In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to show her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for my appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

Posted by: Physics Geek at 02:00 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Received via email many years ago and I just felt like sharing:

Feeling footloose and frisky, a foolish fellow forced his father to fork over his fourth of the family farthings and flew far to a foreign field where he fast frittered his fathers fortune feasting foolishly with faithless friends. Fleeced by his fellows and folly, and facing famine he found himself a feed flinger in a filthy farm. Flushed and fairly famished he fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from farm fodder.

"My father's flunkies fair far finer." The frazzled fugitive forlornly fumbled. Frustrated and filled with forboding, he fled forthwith to his father. Falling to his father's feet he forlornly fumbled, "Father, I have flunked and frugalessly forfeited family favor." The fugitive's, faultfinding brother frowned on fickle forgiveness, but the faithful father figure filled with fidelity, cried, "The fugitive is found. What forbids further festivities. Let the flags unfurl and the fanfares flare." Father flagged a flunky who fetched a fatling from the flock and fixed a feast.

The moral of the story is: The father's forgiveness formed a foundation for the fugitive's future fortitude. Luke 15:11 - 32

Posted by: Physics Geek at 01:58 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Robert Heinlein predicted something similar to this in Methuselah's Children. Pretty interesting idea. Of course, for it to work properly, synthetic blood will have to be created in bulk. Otherwise, the elderly will be sucking their grandchildren dry.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 11:15 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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And it refers to Air America. Excerpt:

In addition to Franken the Air America line-up includes Randi Rhodes, a conspiracy-theorist harpy from Brooklyn with the on-air demeanor of an involuntarily retired stripper. Rhodes is the sort of erudite commentator whose afternoon excursions into political nuance are punctuated by zany sound effects and songs about bouncing boobies. When she's not telling listeners how smart and educated she is Rhodes is the sort of spellbinding broadcaster who gets words like "assert" and "insert" confused. Rhodes’ most recent contribution to civil discourse was a skit during which sound effects were used to graphically simulate the assassination of President Bush — funny, funny stuff. The good news for Randi was that this revolting segment has actually increased her average daily listening audience by about three Secret Service agents.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 10:32 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high.

"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do". He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over.

"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond `one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed.

The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"

The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?"

So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."

Posted by: Physics Geek at 05:00 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had
sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years
the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy
habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doin it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo.

She gets completely upset. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how
could you be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll explain the dildo if you can explain our three kids."

Posted by: Physics Geek at 04:57 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Apparently the strong and the smart don't have an evolutionary preference over the weak and abysmally stupid. If so, we wouldn't have instances of abject idiocy like this cropping up almost daily.

Update: In a related story(login: lbrooks@mailinator.com, password: lulu29), it turns out that cigarettes are really bad for your health. Excerpt:

A leap of faith proved hazardous for a smoker in need of a cigarette fix after a night on the town.

Jeff Foran suffered trauma to his nose, eyes and chin after jumping from a car traveling 55-60 mph. Authorities said he was trying to retrieve a cigarette blown out of the passenger-side window.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 11:52 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The Republicans, fresh-faced and spirited after their gains during the last two election cycles, decided to pork themselves in their collective asses by capitulating to the Democrats on the issue of judicial filibusters. Worse still, all of us have to live with the image of John McCain puffing himself up for the all but certain photo opportunities with Katie Couric et al.

Guys, here's a clue: when you have the votes, use them. No matter what you do to make nice with the editors at the NY Times, they will always endorse the guy/gal from the Democrat party. The leftist moonbatigentsia will still call you guys Hitler the next time you propose any legislation that they don't like. You know, stuff like cutting taxes. That sort of thing.

Oh, and even though you've managed to accomplish what I assumed no one could do( I will now donate money to the campaigns of any Democrat opposing the RINO's next year), I will offer you some advice which I know you will ignore, because you're all a bunch of pathetic, whiny, good for nothing kiss-ass dickheads: use your power now because you will be completely screwed when the Dem's retake the Senate, which by my reckoning will now be 2006. Do you know what's going to happen then? Huh? The Democrats will change the number of votes needed to break a judicial filibuster down to 51 and then nominate some moonbat like Nancy Pelosi to the Supreme Court. You think that the courts are adversarial now? Wait until all the Supremes and Appellate judges harken from the moonbat fringe of the Democrat party. Any/all freakish legislation that the left cannot pass in Congress will be imposed via the courts.

I know that some of you might be saying, "We'll stand up to the Democrats for a SCOTUS nominee!" Please. My mother didn't raise an imbecile, although she can be forgiven for thinking that I've become one; after all, I actually believed you when you said you'd fight the judicial filisbusters. My bad; I won't get fooled again. Unless or until you actually stand up for the principles that caused me to vote Republican in 2004, I will be actively supporting the campaigns for Democrats in successive election cycles. Ah, who the fuck am I kidding about the Republicans standing up to the Dem's? I might as well earmark my political contributions to the Donkey party right now.

You guys have been fabulous and all, but I think I'm tired of dicking around with you. I want to hit rock bottom as quickly as possible. And thanks to you guys, it looks like I'm gonna help make it happen.

P.S. You can still win me back, but now the onus is on you. I trust actions, not words. Pull the trigger; send all of the nominees for a vote. Force the Democrats to stage an actual filibuster, not this pussy-whipped shit that you've been letting them get away with.

Update: Hugh Hewitt, of course, expresses his pique more eloquently.

Update: TKS has a roundup of right-of-center blogs and their reactions to this cheese-eating surrender monkey decision.

Update: I feel like a fortune teller: McCain was Katie's first guest this morning.

Update: Obviously, John Cole and I disagree over the whole filibuster thing. Excerpt:

As for the filibuster bullshit, we slit our own damned throats with that. I would like an up or down vote on nominees, but I just don't have it in me to lie about the situation.

We changed the rules of the game, and then acted all shocked when the Democrats (who are in no way without sin) got pissed. We stopped the blue slips and other options once we became the majority. The Constitutional issue is nothing more than nonsense to sell the naked power grab, and that is what it was. Bush never expected for all of his judges to get confirmed- no reasonable President would.

See, here's where I think that John might not be seeing the big picture. Does he really think that the next time the Democrats hold the power in the Senate that they won't change the Senate rules to suit their purposes? After all, Robert Byrd did it in the not so distant past, reducing the number of votes for cloture from 67 down to 60.

Let's go all out in this example. Hillary becomes president in 2008 and the Dem's sweep to power in the Senate riding on her coattails. Now imagine that she nominates some left-wing ideologue who believes that it's okey-dokey to legislate from the bench. Now the Republicans decide to filisbuster this unreasonable candidate. Does John actually believe that the Democrats will spend more than a few minutes trying to find some sort of compromise to get an up-or-down vote in the Senate? I don't think so. After some public appearances decrying the Republicans' stonewalling, the Senate Democrats will change the filibuster rule so that cloture can be invoked with only 51 votes for judges. Once the judicial filibuster is broken, those same 51 Democrats will then vote en masse for whomever Hillary nominated. Count on it.

Update: Jeff Goldstein makes a succinct analysis. Excerpt:

But today, at least, it feels like a compromise in the worst sense , and I have great sympathy for all those who are beginning to question why they’ve given so much time and energy to win the party the presidency—as well as control of both the House and the Senate—only to watch their elected officials allow the minority party to control the government.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 09:26 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A stewardess approached a gentleman who was voicing his complains rather loudly.

"Yes, Sir?"

"I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie, and there are no window blinds so I can't sleep."

"Captain, shut up and land the plane."

Posted by: Physics Geek at 04:11 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Received via email:

Sergeant: "Did you give the prisoner the third degree?"

Officer: "Yeah, we browbeat him, asking every question we could."

Sergeant: "And did you get a confession?"

Officer: "Not exactly. All he said was, 'Yes Dear,' and dozed off."

Posted by: Physics Geek at 02:13 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Wandering around Kim du Toit's site and found some quizzes. While I agree with him about how many tests will generate a pre-ordained result, I usually enjoy taking some of them. Anyway, here's one set of results:

I have a big problem with some of the questions because they were listed as either/or, with no third answer listed. Some of the questions caused me to grit my teeth before answering because I didn't really like the answer I chose, I just disliked the other one more.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 01:45 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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If the IRS had invented the quadratic formula.

Pretty amusing, but I don't it approaches the level of absurdity of the IRS.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 10:29 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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You should consider the consequences carefully. John Cheese walks you through some things you maybe, just maybe, hadn't considered. Excerpt:

Test Yourself

If you’re thinking of having a child, you’ve obviously already pictured your happy baby, cooing and laughing happily in his happy crib inside your happy, happy home. You’ve thought of the joy it will bring when you hear his first “mommy” or “daddy” happily flopping out of his happy, smiling mouth. I’m sure you’ve even considered the unpleasantness of changing a nasty diaper, and decided that it was a necessary evil that you could live with. A happy necessary evil. But here’s an exercise that will help you get ready for the times in between these wonderful milestones.

Walk over to your stereo and flip it to AM radio. DonÂ’t find a station. Instead, set the dial in between a station and static, so you get that high-pitched squeal, not unlike an emergency siren. Sit yourself six inches in front of your speakers and crank the volume as loud as it will go. Remain in that position for the next four hours.

While youÂ’re doing that, pay a friend to randomly strike a match under your smoke alarm, and then vomit warm cottage cheese onto your shirt.

Did you make it through without setting your house on fire? If not, then you are not ready for a baby. Feel free to comb the rest of the site for fart and penis jokes. For those of you who did make it, congratulations. YouÂ’re one step closer to looking down the shirts of hot chicks as they bend over in front of you to fawn over your newborn.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 08:37 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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No more excuses about my failure to complete Alliance assignments. Do, or do not; there is not try. Anyway, apparently the Puppy Sipping Master of the Internet isn't taking too kindly to Arianna Huffington sticking her beak into his domain, which leads us to this week's assignment: What will Evil Glenn do about Arianna Huffington and the Huffington Post?

Top Ten Things Evil Glenn Will Do To Punish Ariannia and her Website
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

10) After noticing that his midsection has gotten flabby, Evil Glenn will unleash one month's worth of potential canine protein shakes on Arianna's central office where they will wreak the sort of havoc that only 3000 puppies can.

9) Mention her dismissively her on his blog: But, I confess, I find the question of what Arianna thinks less pressing than I used to.

Hack penguin porn onto her website. Then again, that might drive up the Huffington Bloat's traffic, so that's probably a non-starter.

7) Mention off-handedly that Arianna opposes gay marriage. Andrew Sullivan will immediately denounce any subsequent statement by her as "gob-smackingly vile".

6) Photoshop pictures of Arianna wearing T-shirts emblazoned with the slogan "California Condor: the other white meat."

5) Pay Howard Dean to act as publicist for her website.

4) Hire Ted Kennedy to be her chauffeur.

3) Google Bomb the phrase "Huffington Post" so that this is the website that people will find.

2) Use the forces of Darkness to raise an army of undead hobo minions to eradicate her and her website.

And the number one thing that Evil Glenn is likely to do about Arianna and the Huffington Post:

1) Ignore them because they're just not worth the effort.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 09:09 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I noticed a spike in my site traffic yesterday and followed the referrer link back to a forum on Delphi(login id: test13_13, password: dorkboy). The poster referred to this post of mine and mentioned that I had neglected one picture, which appears in the extended section. more...

Posted by: Physics Geek at 07:42 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Watched Attack of the Clones again and I still think it's better than The Phantom Menace, and that's truly damning with faint praise. In fact, Episode I was so rotten that I finally broke my tradition of going on the first day. No, I never dressed up as a character or camped out for weeks on end. However, the original Stars Wars was so good, I and 3 of my friends in high school got our parents to write notes requesting that we all be given half a day off from school for a "family activity". We waited in line for about 1 1/2 hours for The Empire Strikes Back, and when the words started scrolling up the screen, the audience clapped appreciatively. Finally, when R2D2 managed to get get the warp drive, or whatever it's called, started in the Millenium Falcon, the audience cheered. It was the most involved I've ever seen a movie audience become. Fast forward a few more years: I asked off of work on our busiest night to see Return Of The Jedi. Amazingly, my boss didn't even bat an eye. Almost 20 years later, I bought my tickets in advance and went to see Episode I the first day. Visually, it was appealing. Overall, it pretty much reeked. It was so bad that I didn't go see Episode II until it hit the 2nd run discount movie theater in town. I still maintain that at the start of Attack of the Clones, Jar Jar Binks should have run off of a cliff and died in a big cinematic splat. Heck, I would have paid to see the movie again.

One thing in the movie did appeal to me, though: Natalie Portman. She was a pretty girl and has grown into quite a hottie. Her acting in the movie was pretty mediocre, but let's face it, it must have been hard to get geeked up for that script. Whatever. In any case, I've long since passed the point where I'll watch a movie just because it has a good looking woman in it.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 06:50 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Not really, but you'd be surprised(okay, maybe not) at how many otherwise dead-to-the-world drunks somehow manage to hear this phrase when you're in a bar. I figured it would work just as well in my blog. Now back to beer.

I like to cook. I like beer. Homebrewing provides me with an opportunity to combine two of my passions into one rather entertaining enterprise.(Note: I've had a batch of homebrew sitting in a secondary fermenter for more than a year without bottling. My wife would have dumped it in a heartbeat if she could lift the carboy.) Add the malt extract(all you all grain snobbish types feel free to shut up now) and the hops to the water, bring it all to a boil, clean up the boil over, bring to a boil again, cool, pitch the yeast, wait, bottle and then drink the finished product. Ahhh. Good stuff.

I enjoy the smell of boiling wort. The aroma of hops and malt fills the house wonderfully. Unfortunately, the chief HATES the smell, and I mean despises it with a passion. She let me brew ONE batch in the house right after we were married and that's it. However, wonderful lady that she is, she gave me a propane cooker so I could brew in the garage, thereby allowing me to continue with my hobby without assaulting her sense of smell.

One side note for budding brewers: be careful with your hop disposal if you use leaf hops(ignore if using pellets). Back in the 1990's, a few cases of toxic hyperthermia in greyhounds were reported after the dogs ate the spent hops. I don't remember if any other dog owners reported similar problems. Cats might also be susceptible, but most don't eat their vegetables. Meat, meat and more meat is their meal of choice. In any event, take the trash out and put in a can with a lid.

The funny thing about beer you've brewed is that you will drink it even if it's not great. Okay, it stinks. A lot. The crappy taste is offset by the pride of having made it yourself. This does not include actual beer disasters. The first cream ale I tried to brew tasted like swamp water minus the mosquitoes, only not as potable. It's the only batch I've ever poured straight down the drain. Wasting 5 gallons of beer would normally be a crime punsihable by flogging, but that batch didn't qualify as beer. Probably could have used it as a chemical weapon.

Good beer is its own reward. That's why I've flown out to Denver 5 years in a row for the GABF, and I'm going there again after a brief hiatus due to the birth of my second child. I highly recommend this trip to others. Free beer(if you volunteer) and a chance to meet other beer lovers. Me too, but that's just a bonus.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 06:36 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Some time ago, Harvey posted a link to YahooPOPS, which allows users to download their Yahoo messages in their favorite email client, such as Outlook Express. This was a direct response to Yahoo's removal of POP3 access to their system. Anyway, FreePOPS allows access to a large number of Web-only email systems. Pretty freaking cool.

Want variety? Check out Mr. Postman, too.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 06:13 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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If, like me, you're still mired in Bill Gates's money factory, but can't bear the thought of shelling out $500 for another necessary application, you might be interested in the OSSWIN Project. Tons and tons of free stuff that you might consider replacing your proprietary Windows software with.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 04:37 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Some of them I like, some I don't, but the price cannot be beat.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 04:29 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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